Can I be truly happy?

Fake it till you make it?! Na, that’s not gonna work!

Everything we do is in the service of making us feel better. But can purchasing new stuff, or traveling to a nice spot really make you feel happy ? For how long?

Recently I’ve consumed great content on “True feeling of goodness “ and I’m sharing the insights with you:

What I’ve learned…

By reading:

Our essential needs as a human:

1. Belonging; connection

2. Autonomy: Feeling in control of your life.

3. A sense of superiority or worthiness.

4. Authentic self-confidence, not dependent on achievements, acquisitions, possessions, or value determined by others.

5. Trust: the sense of having personal and social resources necessary to sustain a person throughout life.

6. Purpose, meaning, transcendence: knowing that one is part of a larger concept.

How do you feel when these needs are fulfilled? How about the time they’re taken away from you?

Take authenticity and belonging as two basic needs, Bruce Alexander considers that people' vital' need for a sense of social belonging is accompanied by their equally vital need for individual autonomy and success and belonging. He calls these two psycho-social integration. The concept of displacement in Bruce's formulation is defined as the loss of connection with oneself, with others and with a sense of meaning and purpose. All of these are in the list of main needs that were discussed earlier. Perhaps the word "displacement" evokes ! something vague like lost, so he corrects this mistake with a visual metaphor.

You don't separate it from the main bone separated from the hand, but it is left there and has no function anymore. It's useless. People who have been displaced feel the same thing about themselves. The pain that one suffers because of it is a disaster. More than an individual experience, this kind of tension usually occurs at the social level about large groups of people who feel free to connect with each other and trust each other.

This social dislocation along with personal trauma is one of the powerful sources of psychological dysfunction, hopelessness, addiction and physical diseases. It is a fixed aspect of being normal in our society.

• When we connect our worth to external factors, alienation happens.

• The bow is a tool to reach the purpose , but when it becomes the purpose , it takes us away from our deepest selves. We get stuck in a place where we don't belong.

  We numb ourselves with external luxury to forget about the misery we live inside, at least for few minutes.

  We can only feel truly happy, if these needs are fulfilled in the right way.

• From the incredible book by Gabor Mate: The Myth of Normal

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By listening:

True feeling of happiness:

1. Be a great person:

• Define your circle of greatness:

  1. Stage 1: I should take care of myself: my body, mind, and spirit.

  2. Stage 2: I will help others to be better, but if only they help me too.

  3. Stage 3: I will help others grow and be happier, but I’m not expecting an answer from them.

• Make it a habit, if you’re at stage 1: exercise, eat healthy, meditate, read. If you’re at stage 2: ask yourself every day: how can I build trust in relationship with someone else? And take action. If you’re at stage 3: ask yourself every night: did I make someone else’s day better? did I help someone feel less pain?*

* The third stage questions from Imam Ali

2. Follow the rules of nature:

• Discipline: There are 2 forms: a. Fixed: like circadian rhythm, it gives you clarity. b. Variable: which challenges you and helps you grow.

• Purposefulness: as you grow, your purposes become greater as well.

3. Don’t make anything worse; make it better if you can. We have responsibilities and duties.

• Duties: don’t make it worse: Respect the nature, use water wisely, don’t burn trees down, don’t ruin the habitat of other living creatures, don’t ruin someone’s day for faking only a few seconds of victory for yourself.

• Responsibilities: Help others grow: Help them find the power to build and pursue their purposes, show them how to succeed on their own terms.

  *** It’s up to you to define your duties and responsibilities.

  -From “Jafekri” Podcast- season 13

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  By communication:

• We should give extreme people space and freedom to be as they are, don’t try to change them to make them fit with society’s mythical normal values. We need introverted intelligence to grow as a community, as much as we need extroverts.

• Don’t try to change people, help them find their place in this puzzle of the universe and create value on their own terms.

• Sleep well( according to your sleep chronotype and circadian rhythm), play, and enjoy life: that’s how our brains develop.

• Great people feel lost at first, but as they go along, their path becomes more and more clear. So don’t hesitate to take the first step, clarity is a result of action.

• Listen to learn not to fight back.

• Meraki: To do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put something of yourself into whatever you are doing. And then, as others grow with what you have made, you grow too. We are connected to each other, so let’s learn together.