Why do we fail to chase our dreams?
A new perspective on why are we so lost
Topics:
Perfectionism and fear
Self detachment
Consenting to social myths
What to do next?
Perfectionism and fear of failure is a toxic combination that robs us of the power to achieve our dreams.
- I want everything to be perfect, I don't want to mess it up this time!
- If I only read this book/take this course and... I will be ready to start!
- I don't want to look like a beginner!
- I don't want them to tell me “We told you it's not possible! “ I don't want to fail!
And….
How many times have you repeated these words in your head?
How many times have you been afraid of starting with the bare minimum and failure?
If you ask me, I would say a hundred times!
I quit writing 9 years ago because someone told me my writing was crap, and then I never was enough to start again, at least as my perfectionist self believed.
Many times I withdrew from playing leadership roles in different situations because I did not believe in myself. Many conversations were left unfinished in my head, while they never caught up to my audience. I worked on a project several times and stepped back right before hitting the send bottom.
At first, I thought it was because I was a perfectionist, which caused me to become extremely sub-oriented ( not an essentialist) and suffer frequent episodes of depression. Later, I realized that these withdrawals are rooted in a deeper dark energy: fear.
Yes, I was afraid of failure, but even worse, I was afraid of actually being successful!
Fear of failure and success are almost the same thing, except that the latter requires more work.
You can face the fear of failure with small action steps and all that productivity tools that mentors say, but what can you do with the fear of success?
What is the root of this fear? And what does it have to do with perfectionism and procrastination?
How can we recognize this in ourselves and face it?
How to overcome this fear?
- The questions to which I’ve been looking for the answers for the last 3 years, we’re going to discuss them all, so catch up if you’re interested.
Finally, it's time to get to know the home...
If you’re practicing gratitude to fight back the painful feelings you can’t encounter, if you’re trying everything to escape anxiety, and if you’re hiding your real self from everyone, including you, you’re caught in the trap of perfectionism.
Why is this a trap? Because perfect doesn’t exist, it’s a protection mechanism that keeps you away from vulnerability and uncertainty. How so? If you step back and wait around for everything to be ready and just perfect, you won’t have to face the fear of getting hurt, rejected, or fail. But as. Brene Brown said, you can’t be brave, without embracing vulnerability.
You’re afraid that people will leave you, or think that you’re an imposter if you admit that you’re tired, scared or sad. You say: I might be busy, but not depressed, I’m fine. But only GOD knows that you are NOT. Yet no one doubt about it, you could kill yourself by coping with cruel standards and no one doubt you’re fine, you have perfected one skill at least: suppressing and hiding emotions.
(From Margaret Robinson Rutherford)
This kind of depression is not a spectrum, and having it doesn’t mean you lack healthy characteristics. And it’s not all of your identity. And it wasn’t always bad for you, look back and see how precious was it for you, it can be beneficial but with mindfulness and balance. You always had this feeling that something was wrong, but you never knew what!
If classical depression is the lack of joy, hidden depression is the lack of self-acceptance. Change, growth and healing are the path not the destination. Your vulnerabilities will find you, even after you started this journey of healing your inner self. They are a part of you, they’ve always been.
There are 5 steps of this healing journey, according to Dr.Rutherford:
Awareness
Commitment
Encounter
Connection
Change
Hope will come when you are brave enough to commit to this mission.
The first step is self-awareness, which you’re here now. Journal every little details about your feelings, thoughts and changes everyday.
Awareness and cognition
Self-reflect: How much aware was I of hiding myself?
write about how you felt about hiding yourself, also write down what does it feel like to bear the pressure every day?
If you were not fully aware of this, write down what it feels like to be aware?
If you’re confused about your choices and feelings, which ones were you aware of and which ones turned into a habit?
Overcoming denial
Denial might be easier than awareness, but it’s awareness that can help you identify the truth.
So he did what he would do if he wasn't afraid. He moved in a new direction. As he started running down the dark corridor he began to smile.
- Who moved my cheese?
Practice mindfulness daily
Be instead of doing. Be mindful of the moment.
Next, we will talk about remaining 4 steps of healing.
Also if you want to know more about what keeps you from living your authentic life, stay tuned for next updates on self detachment, social myths and what to do next.