Why do we fail to chase our dreams? Part 2
A new perspective on why we are so lost- part 2
Topics:
Perfectionism and fear
Self detachment
Consenting to social myths
What to do next?
… That's why we have to take time and face ourselves, with our lovely and scary sides, with our bright and dark sides. It's time to open our black secret box and know ourselves as we are, as we were when we were 4 years old.
This is the first step to create the life we want.
I don’t deserve that promotion.
I’m not that smart/beautiful, they are just being nice.
It wasn’t hard work, I just got lucky.
I don’t belong anywhere.
I feel empty inside, like there’s a big hallow inside me, I can’t feel my heart.
Silence makes me wanna scream, because the voices in my head are louder, so I distract myself.
…
You can’t stop this voice inside your head either?
It feels like someone from inside is slowly inserting a sword into your stomach, and the pain spreads from there to your guts and all over your body. There seems to be no way out. The sword is in your own hand.
I know exactly how it feels, you can’t ask for help, cause who’s gonna save you from yourself? Except you.
The title is about dreams, but where do dreams come from? Heart. If we have lost the connection to our heart, how can we dream, yet alone chase them?
By heart, I don’t mean the 4-chamber pumping machine in your chest, I mean the whole being that you are: heart, soul, mind, body and all the microorganisms that live with and within you. We are not alone, we have never been, we cannot survive like that.
But this is a very important yet huge piece of cake to swallow, so we break it into understandable and applicable parts that we experience in day to day basis.
This time, Cognitive Distortions.
The common cognitive distortions are:
Filtering: You only see the negative aspects of everything and underestimate the value of positive aspects.
Overgeneralization: You turn one single bad event to a non-ending, massive, terrifying hurricane of negativity that makes you unhappy forever.
Discounting the positive: You assume positive things as nothing. You think you don’t deserve good things, good people, good life, so you unconsciously ruin everything just 1 step before the happiness you deserve.
Jumping to conclusions( Mind-reading/ fortune telling): He looks serious tonight, so he must be mad at me, he’s going to break up with me, this is not going to work, I mad him mad…
Relax, he’s just tired and had a bad day at work! ( the voice says)
Polarizing: I ate a piece of chocolate cake at the party today, this “no-sugar healthy diet” doesn’t work for me, I should just give up.
This pattern sets you for failure.
Catastrophizing: You jump into the worst conclusions in every scenario, start with: What if…?
Personalization: You think that you’re responsible for anything that happens around you, which in reality you have no ( or partial) control on that thing.
Control fallacy: Things can go either way: 1. I have the control of everything 2. I have the control over nothing.
Fallacy of fairness: You think that you know better what’s fair and what’s not, so if someone disagrees, you prove them wrong.
Blaming: You blame others for your feelings: You made me feel bad!
Shoulds: Everything SHOULD be this way and that way, with NO exceptions. Or else…
Emotional reasoning: You think your feelings are reality.( big fact: they are not!)
Fallacy of change: If I push them too hard, they will change and adapt to my standards. ( Good luck on that!)
Global labeling: When you judge people, you label them. I’m a loser cause I didn’t make it to that top university!
These labels leaves you with eternal insecurities and anxiety.
Always being right: I’m always right, and if you disagree, I’ll prove you wrong, even if I break your heart with my words.
How many of them did you check for yourself?
Me today? 7/15 , but they happen much more less often than 4 months before, and I’m going to tell you How.
Me 1 year before? 15/15
How to change this game?
Be aware of your thoughts : When and where did you have the negative thought for the first time? How many times did you think about it after that? Do you tend to have comparable thoughts in similar situations? (resource of questions: here!)
Continue to work on that 5 steps of healing we talked about.( Today I’m sharing the 2nd step)
Call back your old memories of the past, those brown, black and white glimpses of the life that has brought you here. Think and reflect on what happened, be grateful for the good times, face traumas and sadness, embrace who you were, what happened, where you are now, and what is your vision for the future. ( Get help from a therapist or a psychiatrist if it’s hard for you, you don’t have to do this alone)
Try new things. Replace negative thoughts, Let go of shoulds. Try this everyday, each day a little small step forward, it’s OK if you fall, as Japanese proverb says: Fall seven times, rise up eight.
Reward yourself for each small step that you take on this journey. Don’t underestimate even the smallest changes. Care about you and your effort.
The second step of healing ( from Margaret Robinson Rutherford) :
Commitment:
Dealing with hidden depression is a responsibility for yourself.
5 obstacles:
Having a strict commitment that if you slack off, it will be a source of shame for you.
Start with a very hard goal.
Going alone and not asking for help along the way.
Fear of abandoning familiar coping strategies in times of increased stress.
Other mental illnesses that worsen with fear and stress.
Have you ever given up on your commitment or hidden yourself when you were not perfect?
This failed commitments could turn into an excuse to hate yourself.
-This step might make you feel worse at first, but it’s normal to feel bad before getting better. It’s OK to be scared sometimes, but the fear is not going to control you.
Before we jump in to our exercise for this week, remember that this is NOT one of those things that you should do perfect. ( No shoulds, remember? :)
Self-reflection:
Write down how it feels to replace commitment with intention? Start with a small goal, we will get to hard parts in time. Ask if you need something, get help if needed.
P.S: Intention is the choice of being committed, you chose it you’re not assigned for it. It’s more compassionate and flexible.
All of us need help. I share my story, what I have learned in this journey, to help other people who are struggling with depression, perfectionism, and anxiety.
Someday you will help someone, too. This is a journey that we take together.