Why we fail to chase our dreams?
A myth about dreams and your identity ( final part)
Topics:
Perfectionism and fear
Self detachment
Consenting to social myths
What to do next?
Let me fall, if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me.
-Baal Shem Tov
I’m too hard on myself. If I stop doing this, people will think I’m a loser.
I don’t like being here/ do this activity, but if I quit, they won’t accept me anymore.
I don’t like this job, but they say it ensures my financial stability in the future, so I should work so hard to get it and beat other competitors.
I don’t feel good; It's like there is a big black hole in my chest that sucks all the good feelings I experience into itself. Or like a yo-yo, no matter how far I get away from my bad feelings to feel better, I will go back to my original place, where I feel alone, afraid and cold.
What’s that black hole in the chest? And that cold feeling in the stomach? Why do we feel we’re walking on the edge of something terrifying?
In the previous letters we talked about: perfectionism, fear, cognitive distortions and how to deal with them.
We also talked about 2 out of 5 steps of healing from Margaret Robinson Rutherford. Today we will talk about social myths ( most of which are related to Dr. Gabor Mate’s work) and the remaining 3 steps of healing. We will glance at the next steps in the end.
…there is something in our culture itself that has gone wrong. There is less hope for the future. We see ourselves as independent beings, and this makes us and our world into separate parts, while the whole world and the whole of life are connected and intertwined.
We only live a fragment of what is called life. And why is it so?
It would be much easier if there was quite something that I could put the blame on it, and then we could plan to eliminate that thing and live happy ever after!
But as I said, the whole world is wired together in the most complicated and orderly way possible. Nature, genetics, epigenetics, older generations, lived life, families, cultures, societies, air pollutants, light and water, everything that you can name inside out is making a small part of who you are.
We need beliefs, rules and patterns to simplify this concept in a way that allows us to live. And that’s good, what makes this process harmful is that we think all humans need the same rules, goals and patterns. Yes, we are 99% alike, and have 99% same needs, but when it comes to our essential needs ( except for the food, water and shelter!) we can’t use the same shoes for all paths.
Essential needs:
Belonging, feeling of connection
Autonomy, feeling of having control on one’s own life
A sense of superiority or worthiness
Authentic self-confidence, not dependent on accomplishments, acquisitions, possessions, or value approved by others.
Trust, the sense of having the personal and social resources necessary to maintain a person throughout life
Purpose, meaning, transcendence, to know that one is part of a something bigger.
(Resource: The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate)
The first 5 needs are almost the same in everyone, but in different qualities. The last one, however, is what makes us unique: the purpose of our life. That’s what we call it a vision. That’s what makes our path different from one another, connected but different.
So what happens if we make a limited set of countless possibilities, and then call it normal/ acceptable; And then tell all the people that in order to be happy, they should choose an apple from this basket. But the issue is not the apples, not even the basket, the important thing is that we decided to put some red apples in a wooden basket and say that this is all we have, either take one or you will never be happy, ever.
That’s the myth, the myth of normal. Dr, Gabor Mate has described this very artistic in his book: “ Myth of Normal”.
Instead of consenting to this myth and live a life that we don’t want, we should be courageous enough, as Brene Brown said, to be vulnerable. Vulnerable to change, to love and to live our authentic selves.
What can we do to make this happen?
The first step is awareness. Knowing that something is going wrong here that needs attention. By reading this, you have already taken this step.
Commit to the process:challenging limiting beliefs, rules, behaviors that have been holding you back from being yourself.
Get to know yourself better, your passions, obsessions, skills, needs,…
Observe the world, other people, different kinds of life, our planet. See, hear and feel the beauty and authenticity of the universe. Understand its needs, not the ones that we have created to distract ourselves, but the real ones.
Build a vision. A vision that enables you to make aligned goals, between what the world needs to be better and what you have to offer.
Take action, even the smallest steps gives you more clarity than overthinking and concerns.
Learn, remember that there are always more things that you don’t know than you do. So improve yourself and your vision and your product.
Never give up on you.
Now, Let’s finish our conversation on 5 steps of healing:
5 steps of this healing journey, according to Dr.Rutherford:
Awareness
Commitment
Encounter
Connection
Change
Encounter
At this stage, as you become aware of your strict adherence to specific mental rules, you also apply mindfulness skills. This stage will encourage you to be active, to apply the proposed ideas and to create a sense of choice in your life.
Self-reflection : How do I feel about being at this stage? Take a few minutes and write about what is going on in your mind and heart. Say it out loud: Today I want to challenge my way of thinking.
4 steps of challenging limiting beliefs:
Identify the spoken or unspoken rules that underlie your actions or behavior.
For example, some rules may have been dictated: “You must be kind to your brother”, or “You must brush your teeth twice a day”. Other rules are never spoken but perceived. One of these rules in my family was: “You should not reveal your anger” (meaning the writer's family).
p.s: In my family this unspoken rule was: “You can’t show your sadness after something bad happens.
Sometimes the goal of these beliefs is to cover up the events, whether it is abuse or neglect.
Determine if any belief or opinion is helping you right now or not.
It can be a difficult step, because your thoughts may be so distorted that they seem completely useful. Most self-destructive rules usually have absolute words: should, must, always, never. These are black and white terms and ignore the fact that the right answers are often very context dependent. Doubts about why, how, what and time and place of things will certainly give clarity to our current actions and beliefs.
Replace old destructive rules with new choices.
Before a belief can be fully challenged, weakened, or eliminated, one should accept the risk of changing behavior and making different choices. Let's practice together, take this belief for example : "I can never let anyone know the real me." In the second step, you asked yourself if this belief is now productive or not. If not, the next step is to make a new rule, for example, "I can let someone into my inner world" and decide what exactly you want to do with your new choice. For example: “I don't have to hide my anxiety and depression / I don't have to say yes to every request.”
Be receptive to the feeling that arises in you by choosing new rules.
The more you live by your new rules, the more you will discover what has governed your behavior in the past, such as fear, guilt, shame, and self-control. Familiar pain is easier to taste than unfamiliar pain, and you (like me and all the people whose stories are in this book) are going to choose the unfamiliar pain, and that takes courage.
Connection
Until now, you were busy challenging the belief systems and rules that governed your daily life. But now you've probably become aware of something very uncomfortable: vulnerability. Connecting with what you really feel, what lies beneath your smiling mask, can be terrifying. Vulnerability is like putting away your armor when you're still in the middle of a battle. Now, together, we will learn a 4-step process that, by creating a road map of your experiences and memories, creates a structure for life-transforming self-compassion.
Building a life course to achieve awareness and emotional growth:
Compassion: An emotional and intimate look at yourself; The same way you look at others.
Acknowledgment: Normalizing your feelings, which are a natural result of your circumstances.
Mindful communication: Calmly revealing feelings and communicating them.
Acceptance: Accepting all you have received.
Change
That part of you that you feed will flourish.
What to do with the fear of self-acceptance and change? If you don't run away from fear, it will lose its power to control you. There is no way to avoid the risk or uncertainty of what is to come. Taking risks, trusting your heart and allowing yourself to experience vulnerability, will change your life.
Resource of the 5 steps of healing: Perfectly Hidden Depression, Margaret Robinson Rutherford