Don’t focus on being happy! It’s the biggest trap.
Be fearless to build the life you’ve always wanted
Most people do the opposite. They think they live with what they want.
But in fact fear is their guide, meaning what they don't want.
The Call of the Mountain - Khaled Hosseini
I was laying on my bed while tears were falling down my face, staring in disbelief at the destruction of my dreams in the void. I let everyone down, my professors, parents and myself. I couldn’t stop crying and blaming myself for more than a month.
It was a summer night September 16, 2019, 2 am in the morning that I felt I’m having a heart attack, I called my 8 yo brother and he hugged me while I was still crying. After an hour, I felt something in my stomach and chest.
The pain was so intense that I couldn’t breathe, but it was turning into something new. I’ve had enough of crying and blaming myself, it was time to give another chance to my childhood dream, to my future self. My whole body and soul was aching, but I knew there must be a meaning in my life, and I’m the one to find it and build my story.
I failed to get to medical school at 2019, but I tried 1 more time, a whole year of doubt, depression and fighting back anxiety and fear. There was only 1 difference between these 2 tries: I believed I can make it, the second time, and I got full scholarship to study medicine in 2020. I thought becoming a “just doctor” was my destiny, but life had other plans for me.
That’s ironic, cause my last post was all about “true happiness “ ! But I promise it’ll all make sense in the end.
The problem is: We wanna be happy, so we seek dopamine; it’s a short acting agent, that’s why we can’t be happy consistently for long term, and that’s the way of life. We should rather want to be fulfilled, serotonin based feeling that we can feel throughout the day and our lives.
Can’t you stop eating sugar? Eyes glued to your phone? Brain fog doesn’t let you think clearly, and you feel confused and lost all day?
That’s a sign your brain survives on dopamine, mine did too.
6-10 hours on phone, social media, watching Netflix, consuming content without creating, fear and doubt where my guides.
But how can you build a fulfilling life while you doubt yourself? When I started I still had those feelings, but this is what I did, it may help you too, on your journey to heal and grow.
First step for building and living a fulfilling life, is to dopamine detox.
( Photo From Modern MindMasters)
The second step( to search for serotonin) though, is what all I’m about today.
And my approach is what I’ve learned, experienced and combined in 4 years.
This mindmap is not completed yet, because I’m still learning, and I’l share the new ideas with you.
It looks a little complicated, so I’m chucking it down to 3 categories:
3 stages of compassion, that I’ve discussed in my earlier post: Can I be truly happy?
4 steps of knowledge: Self, The Creator, Others, Universe
5 steps of questioning ( which is inspired from “The Art of Questioning: An Introduction to Critical Thinking” a book by Daniel E. Flage)
3 Stages of compassion:
Self compassion:
First step of knowledge: Who am I?
Self acceptance: Accept who I am
Self love, and self respect
First step of Questioning -Self-awareness: What are my needs, emotions and feelings? What are my challenges?
In this step, you dive deep into your past, reflect on your childhood traumas( if any), failures and successes. You ask deep questions to find your values, build your vision, set aligned goals, and build new habits, and systems. But don’t worry, you don’t have to do it all at once and perfect. Scratch your draft, and you can make improvements as you grow.
Here, you need to find resources: books, podcast, videos, courses, mentors.
Trade Kindness:
3rd step of knowledge:
Meet new people, with different perspectives, curiosities and concerns. Question what you believe in, mess up the puzzle and start over. Listen to learn not to respond or fight back.
Help people who have the same problem as you do, make their path smoother and shorter.
Virtue is its own reward: Real help for others
The best way to climb to the top of the ladder is to take others up there with you.
Self Growth -Consumer Mode:
Stage 2 & 3 of Questioning:
Stage 2 -Mindfulness: How can these resources ( that I found on step 1 of Questioning) help me to solve my problems/meet my needs?
Stage 3 -Researcher/ Adventurer: Learn actively ( take down notes, question what you knew/learn, combine them together and create new ideas, ask new questions, learn the things that you have no idea about)
Build and develop leadership skills in yourself
Help others grow - Creator Mode
Create something with what you have, to add value to the world.
Step 4 of Questioning -Feedback:
Add your vision( your experience, achievements, unique perspective) to what you have learned, in the form of art ( photo, writing, video, painting,…)
Share your ideas, get feedback.
Step 5 of Questioning -Unlearning:
Communicate with others, see and hear different perspectives
What new things are out there to learn/ peruse?
How are other’s curiosities different than mine? And How are they related together?
Teach them true optimism -help them start “1st step of knowledge” and “1st step of compassion”
Self acceptance: Do what you can, with what you have.
Hope for a better future: Grow to build that future
Change their mindset for the better
Spend value time with them: See, hear and feel them. Share your resources.
Help change their lifestyle:
Habits: Put them in a situation that is in contrast with their potential. They’ll feel the gap, and they’ll try to fill it.
Help them become adventurers, good questioners.
Don’t try to change them, help them find their right place in the world.
Stand by their side while their new skills are maturing. Be a mentor.
Build a balance between these two ( self growth, and helping others ; between consuming and creating)
With this approach you are able to build a path that leads you to the life you desire, and this is a journey that you have a feeling of fulfillment, freedom and true belonging deep down, in your good days and your bad days.
And remember that there’s no perfect way of doing things, so I hope this inspires you to build yours, and share it with the world.
I’ll be happy if you share your thoughts, insights and experiences related to these topics with us. See you next week.
I loooved this post. why did it feel better than all the youtube videos on feeling good? Well done!
This is so beautifully written! I'm in love with your writing. Thank you for sharing an approach to get rolling on! Exactly, fear and desire control our emotions and thinking. The mentioned questions sound very practical! Fabulous piece.