How Obsession With Productivity Hacks Ruined My Life

A journey from self destruction to self compassion.

The problem isn’t that we don’t know who we are, but that we think that we know.¹

So I have this problem since 3 years ago, it’s HARD to come up with new ideas. I feel like I’m doing everything with some pressure pushing me through, but the friction force is just too much and I feel exhausted after doing something creative.

Even with the non-creative tasks, like studying Harrison’s book on how to approach someone with jaundice, I feel drained after a while.

Not to mention afternoon naps that turn into hibernation, and the guilt that follows.

I can’t say I have fully discovered the solution, nor have I completely solved the problem; but I deal with it in a very different way than 3 years ago.

If you’ve read my posts before, you know I’m not a fan of “to-do list” advices, but rather holistic approaches that is imperfect and gives us a new perspective of the problem; then some practical steps to get started.

So here it comes, how I deal with my energy dips, lack of motivation, and running out of ideas.

Back in high school, no one could keep me away from my books; I was the top of my class and school. So I really didn’t do much, except for the violin classes I took occasionally.

But since 2020 that I got to medical school, I was at home during the pandemic. And I got bored, I mean for how long you can entertain yourself with Netflix and fiction books?!

So I did something I never tried before: try new things that I have zero information about.

I tried coding, researching in various fields, books that were not my taste: like the power of habit ( before this I had no clear definition of a habit, let alone to build one mindfully), think again, and atomic habits; and I resumed my violin lessons.

I joined multiple communities and Committes in my university and nationally, and was active in all of them. I was writing too many articles at the same time. And as always tried to get the best results with my studies. Where did this lead me to? A major burn out, and signs of IBS² started to show up in my body.

The pause

I needed to stop this.

And I did; but that lead to a major depression.

So I distracted myself with being productive, again.

And the second major burn out came my way.

I didn’t want to let people down, so I turned my back on me.

This lead to third major burn out, this one was a killer.

My brain stopped on its own.

So I was forced to take a break, from work, morning routines, learning routines, and everything that made me, me.

How was I feeling? Lost, confused and lonely.

Confrontation

Without all those voices in my head I could hear my heart: feel the pain, connect with yourself.

I started to dive deeper into myself, and what I found wasn’t nice at first, however, I learned to love that part of me as I moved on my path of healing.

This journey took me 2 years to get here, and I’m still on track.

I never knew you could feel this way, whole, belonged, safe, and brave.

When I first started, I felt like the tears were pouring out of my heart. So much pain in my chest that I didn’t think I could survive it, but I felt it all;

sometimes it comes back to visit. But just stops by, and then leaves. It used to stay much longer before.

I guess we’re both moving on.

Validate your emotions

I still struggle with my perfectionism sometimes, and the obsessive compulsion that comes with it, the creeping anxiety beneath my skin, but I have learned something valuable: that I don’t need to fight them, nor should I get rid of them.

When they come, I take a break, a pause. It’s gotta be something wrong here, they came to protect me. So I stop to talk to them. Asking mindful questions of what makes them worried?

I find the patterns and triggers, make changes if needed, and reassure them that we’re okay. From now on I can take care of the rest, and thank them for stopping by.

I feel a lot better after that. It might look something that you read in pop psychology, but this is science talking here.

You can’t regulate your emotions by ignoring them, like I used to do, you do it by being aware of them at the first place.

Validating your emotions can help you accept the loss and know that you can endure difficult emotions without falling into pieces. And it helps you be open to vulnerability, the basis of true belonging.

Overthinking or mindful awareness?

Okay, so we need to

• go deeper into ourselves

• Feel the pain, and difficult emotions

• Validate those feelings, and give ourselves time to reflect on them

But does every emotion, or any difficult childhood experience need attention?

See, as Dr. Mate and Jay Shetty discussed in “ On Purpose “³, solely talking and thinking about our childhood is not gonna help us, no matter how many times we do that!

So how to know where do we need to stop and pay attention?

• See what’s happening in the present that is a shadow of the past?

• Deal with the emotions that are happening now as a result of the past.

• And how do these emotions affect your life now, at this very moment?

It’s really all about the choices we have now.

Let go of who you think you are

you struggle to come up with new ideas because you're stuck in survival mode. you're trapped in the same old boring routine and your mind can't access thoughts or ideas outside of it.

let go.

take some rest.

embrace chaos for a bit.

the ideas will come.⁴

I know how scary it is to let go, who am I without these labels, routines and beliefs?

The price is high, but the result definitely worth it.

I still get scared when I try to let go of something that doesn’t work for me anymore, even a good habit. But I do it anyway.

I know that the path itself will guide me.

It’s how we sensitive, or perfectionist people distract ourselves from doing the real work: discovering who we are, and building our authentic life.

productivity trap can be described with a simple example—when you do your job efficiently, you get some free time. But instead of having some rest, you do what? That's right, you find some new tasks for yourself. As a result, your workload only increases, unlike the energy needed to perform it.⁵

Hustle culture has given rise to the concept of toxic productivity, which is an unhealthy desire to be efficient at any cost: Anxiety. The heavy workload a person takes on makes them worry about not being able to cope with it. The desire to do their best drives them into a cycle of chronic anxiety and fear.⁶

• The feeling of guilt. This is when imposter syndrome activates.

• Apathy.

• Diseases. physical and emotional exhaustion, and burnout.

• Neglecting one’s own life.

How to scape this trap?

1. Know your values, and set realistic goals according to them.

2. Build a system, a strategy to do things and break it into smaller goals. So you don't measure your success with the number of tasks that are done.

3. Prioritize your goals.

4. Take a break when needed.

My Authentic self, nice to re-meet you

It’s not something you become, it’s who you already are.

But all these past experiences, limiting beliefs, and hanging around in our comfort zone have created a fog that doesn’t let us see that.

All you have to is to let go of who you think you should be, and embrace the reality of who you are.

Once you get that vision, you are powered up to make that life a reality.

Connection

So, what does all this have to do with coming up with new ideas and creativity that I mentioned earlier?

Well, you can’t be creative when you’re living in survival mode. You gotta take the journey to heal and live your truth. That’s when you get creative. No one can bring your value to the world:

Your authenticity + your lived experiences, passions and mission + your creativity = your personal brand and unique value.

Sometimes I get stuck again, but now I know what to do:

I take a rest, reflect on the situation, and give myself enough time and compassion to figure it out.

So as the first tiny step that you can take now, try to pause the next time you feel overwhelmed, don't distract yourself; you’ve been down that road, and you know how it ends. Dare to try a new path this time.

You’ve mastered the survival mode. Now it’s time to live.

If you have a different perspective, or a same experience let me know in the comments.

1. I don’t know who this quote belongs to, but I heard it on “ On Purpose “ from Dr.Mate.

2. Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome

3. You can listen to full episode here on Apple Podcasts.

4. Dan Koe

5. Resource

6. The same as 5.