This myth makes you a victim living in survival mode

But the main problem isn’t attention deficit

I need a break from my own thoughts…

¹

Back in 2007 psychiatrists diagnosed me with ADHD; it means there’s something wrong with your brain that leads to impaired self-regulation:

• Forgetfulness

• Inability to stay focused on tasks

• Fidgeting

• Excess energy

• Difficulty staying organized

• Short attention spans

• Struggling to follow directions

• Impulsive decision-making

• Inability to wait their turn

But the weird thing was that, I was so insanely creative and I had the craziest ideas that either became a game or a story. And I surprisingly did great at school, the best we might say.

I was happy with the person I was, I loved that crazy, beautiful little girl. But they thought that there is something wrong with me that they should fix ( except for my mom).

So eventually, I stopped building games, writing stories, and asking questions.

People started to accept me, but I was still “ different “; well sure, because I wasn’t me.

As a kid, I couldn’t build a different path, but I could imagine what a world where you can be your authentic self and be accepted and have a genuine sense of belonging, would be like.

Now I read a lot about these topics, and psychiatrists themselves have found something that I knew as a kid: diagnostic labels won’t help you.

They just make you feel like a broken piece of a puzzle.

This post is for anyone who struggles with:

• perfectionism

• Procrastination

• Shame

• Social Debt and not saying NO

• Comparing themselves to others

• Automatic thoughts

• Lack of motivation

• Boom Bust activity

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The evidence suggests that in primate species, when individuals who are more attuned to social cues or dangers are lost, it can have detrimental effects on the group's cohesion and survival prospects. This interconnectedness emphasizes the importance of social structures in primate species, where the loss of key individuals can impact the entire group's ability to thrive.²

We’re not an exception; when the individuals who have different traits, increase in number, it shows that the society is going in a wrong direction that will lead to self destruction.

We should thank people who suffer from different physical, psychological, and spiritual disorders for bearing the pain of warning human society all by themselves.

We are an integrated community, we need to collaborate with each other to create a better future for the next generations to come.

And to be able to do that, each of us should find their right place in this puzzle; don’t panic, you already know that. Just let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace your authenticity.

'The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.'

~Rumi

What is self-regulation?

In short, it means being able to do the harder thing when it’s the right thing.

And this ability is a spectrum, not a binary³.

Its components:

1. Behavioral inhibition: after choosing the harder path to play a long game, we should fight back the temptation to play that easy, short-term game. How?

• Cut out the distractions: as James Clear said: Environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behavior.

• More self-discipline: do what scares you, do the uncomfortable thing that you know is necessary.

• Self reflection: review your behavior, emotions and thoughts; and the situation, write down what it is, and what it makes you feel/ do.

2. Executive functioning⁴: a set of mental skills including flexibility, memory, and self-control that we use every day to learn, work, and manage our daily life.

   • stimulus boundedness: you say or do something without thinking, you don’t answer if no one asks you, you don’t do anything until there is something wrong.

     • Definition of hell= stimulus boundedness + rumination!

       

   • How to stop that? By scenario planning, envision different action scenarios and be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. I’m sure you won’t have any trouble with that, due to your super power of imagination!

3. Emotional regulation: overreacting to small stressors, indicates impaired emotional regulation; and it’s harder to create the necessary motivation to perform an action in the absence of immediate reward.

   I will provide you with some effective practices to improve that at the end of the post, based on what has worked for me.

Real challenges: later learnings

It’s not attention deficit or hyperactivity that makes us feel frustrated all day, it’s what we have learned, and developed to cope with the pain of trying to fit in:

• feeling of being different: you feel you lack something that everyone else has.

You are different, but you’re not less than others.

• Shame: shame of being different, not acting as expected, and turning your back on yourself.

• Procrastination

• Social debt: because you feel everyone is always correcting your mistakes, you feel like you owe them something. How do you pay that debt?

  1. Overcompensation: so unfair

  2. Inability to refuse: you can’t say NO, especially when you’re not focused enough, or you’re in trouble.

  • How to stop that?

    1. wait before you answer. Say you’ll call them back.

    2. learn how to say NO and build healthy boundaries.

• Comparing yourself to others: you know how it feels like, so I’m gonna jump into the way that can help you: self acceptance and seeing your flaws as your strengths.

  I have a whole post about this, you can read it here if you haven't yet.

What you avoid now, will cause you 10x more anxiety in the future.

How to stop that?

1. Face it: do what makes you anxious.

When you're afraid of something, dive straight into it, because the intensity of abstaining from it is greater than what you're afraid of. -Imam Ali

2. Stop Incautious optimism:

stop saying:

• I’ll make it! I still have time!

• Just a couple of hours, I’ll be back soon!

• I do it tomorrow when I’m more focused and energized!

• Just one more time!

you could run out time any day, this might be your last chance to do what you love and complete your mission by building your vision.

3. What to do with front-end perfectionism?

Just do it now!

learn to start things immediately, even serious ones:

• you don’t need to read more books.

• you don’t need to take another course or get another degree.

• you don’t need to be more prepared; you are prepared enough NOW.

• You need to do more.

Stop dreaming and start doing.

Some ways and resources that can help you

Beliefs that can help:

1. It’s a personality trait, not a disorder or a disease.

2. It’s a spectrum not a binary.

3. A part of problem is because of the environment; don’t put all the blame on you.

A major part of your signs and symptoms are a response to the environment.⁵

Stack responses:

Make room for what you love:

Eliminate responsibilities, tasks and duties that are not yours to be done, or not necessary.

How to build one?

1. The answers should be polite, and simple.

2. Don’t explain why, this weakens your answer and you will have to say yes the next time because you feel like you owe them something because of lying.

You don’t have to explain yourself to everyone.

How to go from disengagement to engagement?

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

1. Operate a procrastination autopsy:

   • what doesn’t let me do my job?

   • where everything start to fall apart?

2. Reverse automatic thoughts:

   change:

   • There’s no hope

   • I’m not in the mood

   • It’s not the time

   • I hate writing

   • I start when the right time comes

   • It’s not gonna work

With changing your perspective:

See them like a bug, or a pop up, or an allergy. If you try to avoid it, or make it stop it’ll become worse.

“ oh! here it is again! this bug always show up when I’m trying to do something. But you know what? I’m gonna do it anyways!”

3. more self compassion: give yourself permission to feel sad, tired and angry. Let yourself to make new mistakes out of your comfort zone. Learn from them and grow.

4. Ugh: when you try to do the hard thing, you go like: “ Ugh! I hate this! This task makes me nauseous! “

   If you wanna stay on track, you have to manage this “Ugh”. How?

   wrap the broccoli in the bacon⁶, and use grandma’s law:

   Promise yourself a dessert after eating the soup:

   • do what you love and enjoy after 45-60 minutes of focus.

   • use pomodoro technique.🍅

Support Toolkit

Neuroplasticity has enabled us to change the traditional way of learning; we can support our journey to improve our self- regulation by using these tools:

• Mindedness and Meditation

• Breathing exercises

• Gratitude

• Visualization ( vision- goals- systems- small action steps)

• Connect with nature

• Deep Journaling⁷

• Physical activity: yoga, walking, exercise

There are much more practices but I don’t want you to get stuck in another procrastination cycle.

So just pick 1 practice and go with it.

⁸

What are your main challenges in daily life? Let us know in the comments!

1. Special thanks to Dr. Azarakhsh Mokri who thought me most of the knowledge in this post.

2. Resources: here and wiki

3. either you have it or not

4. It’s now said that there is no executive functioning, like centrifugal force in physics, or Coriolis effect; they all are an interaction of several other phenomena: motivation, pleasure, reward, time horizon, and value system.

5. I don’t use “signs and symptoms “ to describe a disease here.

6. I heard this on a YouTube video in Skool channel.

7.

Beth Kempton

has launched a free challenge of deep journaling, and it’s incredible. So check it out on her blog or social media accounts.

8. Photo credit: @royal_elite_store