Six obstacles that block your way to authenticity
What stops you from being your true self, and how to change this game.
….The questions stopped appearing on the wall, “ It’s great! now I can go find the gem and it’ll help me find my way” she thought. But before she could stand on her feet, two chains began to form on both sides of her body and chained her hands to the ground.
“Damn it! I can’t move! what are these now?!” She yelled.
A sentence appeared on the wall: “ These chains, young seeker, you’ve built them yourself. You are the one who let them stop you.”
“What?!” She argued; “ I have nothing to do with these stupid chains! You did this to me and now blame me?!”
“ Who do you think am I?”
“ I don’t know! Stupid ink on the wall maybe!”
“I’m you, your intuition, and you asked for my help; that’s why you’re here.”
“What are these chains Miss intuition?!” She asked sarcastically.
“ These chains represent your obstacles against reaching your ultimate potential, which were instilled in you by the environment (society, culture, others) and you accepted them.
Remember young seeker, you’ve been dragged down by the power of society, success and family and you never could have your own desires. You wanted to fit in with others so much that "choice" is a foreign word for you.
The price of living by other people's standards was losing yourself.
But not following your true purpose has not been able to turn off your inner voice that always says "Be yourself". I was sending you this call and I was always waiting to meet you. And finally the day has come, young seeker. You’re ready to free yourself from the chains and Be who you are.”1
When she came to herself, her whole face was wet with tears.
“I’m so disappointed. What should I do now?”
“Well, disappointment is a price that you gotta pay for self awareness2. The first step is to know these obstacles. Are you ready?”
She nodded in agreement.
The wall began to show her what she asked for.
Six Barriers to self-acceptance:
The first obstacle: conditioning.
Mind conditioning(emotional response to stimuli) makes us give unconscious responses to stimuli.
Behavioral diversity is not compatible with conditioning at all.
What to do?
Find your conditional answers.
Ask yourself: What is the best thing I can do in this situation?
To get rid of the previous conditioning, you have to give yourself the opportunity to have a variety of options in your new conditioning, like considering the opposite of your previous conditioning.
In deconditioning, first write the opposite and then write something more realistic.
The second obstacle: feeling guilty about being yourself, about your success, about being good.
How do you know you have it or not? These are some characteristics of people who have been struggling with this obstacle:
They avoid taking management positions so that no one is treated unfair.
They feel guilty about progressing while others are lagging behind.
They don't reward themselves when they are different and deny the person they are.
What to do?
Think about what you're doing that really hurts people, and avoid it:
The output of real damage is a sense of responsibility; The output of mental damage is feeling guilty.
- The feeling of residual guilt...the feeling of shame is behind this feeling of guilt. Like when you make it but your friends don’t.
- Sympathy (Imaginary suffering)... processing suffering instead of another person. This is different than empathy, when you have empathy you’re compassionate towards yourself and others, and you take actions that help you and others. But sympathy makes you feel so helpless that you can’t even help yourself, and you start to feel guilty about it. Learn that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and actions and life. The boundary between empathy and guilt must be distinguished.
Be a positive savior: Help those who ask for help, not those who don't.
One may save a person who does not wish to perish; but if a nature is so spoilt and depraved that it regards ruin as salvation, what can one do?
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
The third obstacle - seeking approval:
Depending on an external source to validate one’s decisions and existence.
Do I allow myself to move independently now that I have seen a part of my true self? Or am I looking for external confirmation to tell me “yes, you can go”?!
- One more thing: I found my interests, but I don't trust to follow them, I can't move forward without approval.
Ask yourself:
Is this person whose approval I am looking for conditional (because of my dependence on him) or constructive (a conscious person)?
Why do I want confirmation? In any situation.
When you’ve lived up to other’s expectations and standards till this day, it could be a psychological threat to let them go and move on your way. This will stop you from taking steps towards reaching your true potential.
You have to choose between being loyal to them, or to yourself. You can’t have both. And as Operah said:
Do not think that you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn’t work that way.
The forth obstacle - Excessive worry and obsession to do the right thing
- Sometimes the path of true self is innovation and you have to go on your own way.
- Complications: “I am always waiting... waiting for an idea, a thought that will confirm me enough to move...; I lose my initiative because I never express my opinion; I deny what I know, and move away from myself: feeling inadequate. I am a perfectionist: I don't want to admit that I made mistakes.”
What to do?
- Learn the skill of independent decision making and be responsible for your choice.
If you don’t choose your life, others will choose for you and you’ll be doomed to live that lie.
The fifth obstacle: feelings of despair and lack of motivation
- Learned helplessness: I have learned not to pursue my personal goals.
The formula is: What’s the point?!
It doesn't paralyze you, it makes you weak and incapacitated.
Motivation is suppressed by punishment.
The nature of this desperation and lack of motivation: I saw my truth in childhood, and was disappointed in what I saw…
The sixth and most important obstacle: doubt
I see my true self, but at the same time I doubt it.
what to do?
Say: I will go on this journey, it can’t get worse than this anyways!
Ask yourself:
What attitudes did I internalize?
How and where did I doubt myself?
How to move on?
1. Choose one or two things from the list of interests and start.
2. Don't be afraid of healthy and constructive selfishness, sometimes saying No is the best thing you can do for yourself and others.
3. Attribute the feeling of helplessness to a lack of skills, not your own worthiness.
4. Expect regression too, this is not a straight forward path.
5. Sometimes it is necessary not to use the power of motivation and instead to use persistence and determination.
True freedom is being your authentic self.
You can read the previous episode ( about finding true interests by embracing ambiguity) here:
P.S. what will happen to the little girl? Will she free herself from the chains? Will she find the gem?
I don’t know either! Maybe we should find out together.
The bold parts here contain some quotes from Irvin D.Yalom’s book: when nietzsche wept.
Same.