When You Ignore Yourself, Fear Guides Your Life
Stop distracting yourself, start living.
Most people do the opposite. They think they live with what they want.
But in fact fear is their guide, meaning what they don't want.
The Call of the Mountain - Khaled Hosseini
When the problem is self-avoidance, fear is your guide.
Your problem isn’t inability to say No, nor being a people pleaser.
Your problem isn’t perfectionism or procrastination.
Your problem isn’t anxiety or depression.
Your main problem is: avoidance.
You know what matters to you most; you know what’s wrong;
You know your capabilities, flaws and strengths.
You just skirt around, because you know building something of your own takes more effort than blindly following a predetermined path.
You have to heal from past traumas and mistakes, maybe you fear confrontation.
You gotta learn many skills from scratch, maybe you’re afraid of being a beginner.
You have to do many things for the first time, maybe you’re afraid of making mistakes.
You have to let go of many distraction strategies to be focused, maybe you’re afraid of boredom.
You will lose many shallow friendships, maybe you’re afraid of being alone with yourself.
You will deviate from the predetermined path, maybe you’re afraid of ambiguity.1
Fear is your guide.
As Murakami says: « Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. »
And, we are created into hardship in this world2;
So instead of struggling and suffering from avoidance, embrace the pain of change.
Here is a simple practice to give you a glimpse of the process:
Take a pen and notebook, not your phone, and answer to these questions. Forget about your lies, and write from your heart for once.
What do I deeply care about?
What problem drives me angry, that I can’t help but imagine how would it be if it was solved? If I solved it?
What’s that one thing, that I can dedicate my life, 10-20 years or more, to it? What’s the one thing that I can’t stop thinking about?
Trust your heart, don’t let social expectations, family or friends’ opinions, past failures, your past wrong decisions or predetermined actions fog over your answer and block your heart.
Your heart knows the way.
But, Where to start?!
Seriously, if you’re still asking this question, your answers in the previous section were not authentic enough. You’re not obsessed with your answer.
If you have to ask "how do I get started," you're not obsessed enough.
-Tim Denning
There are many reasons to start something:
love
A sense of purpose or empathy
Surrender to the will of others
Being aimless and following a predetermined path
Obsession, so that you have no choice but to follow it, because you can't stop thinking about it.
If your why roots in your head: most probably, it’s not yours.
If your why roots in your heart: it’s your authentic purpose. Call it love, obsession, whatever.
It's something that your curiosity and interest in it is beyond your control, so you are automatically drawn to it.
« The path itself is your guide. »
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
And someone who cares about something so much does not wait for other’s permission or approval, and is not afraid of starting and building a different path, or continues despite the fear:
"Speak not thus: ‘They brawl and clash; what worth then my calm?
Thou art not mere one, but a thousand; kindle thine own balm!
For one lamp alight doth outshine a thousand unlit,
One man of virtue stands taller than a thousand adrift."
Rumi, Ghazal 1197
So instead of taking courses, and attending workshops that tell you:
"How to start x and get successful asap?", to learn a skill that empowers you to pursue a goal that you are not passionate enough about;
start with small signs:
Curiosities
Interests
Envy
Anger
Things that you’re grateful for
As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears.
Rumi
Pay attention to:
someone you admire: what do you like about them?
someone you envy: what do they have that you wish for?
someone/something that makes you angry: what about them you dislike?
someone/ something you avoid: what do they have that make you uncomfortable? why?
things that your curious about: follow them, what do they have that makes you interested? where do they wanna lead you?
simple things in your life: what are you grateful for? What do you overlook? Why? How can you be more mindfully grateful and surrendered?
Set a time and write down your answers. Be honest and aware.
When you choose between the predetermined path and human creativity and authenticity, you have to accept that you are going to lose the benefits of the other path:
"You can't have your cake and eat it."
Conscious choice means that I know exactly what are the options in front of me, I know their context, costs, rewards, and I know what my values ​​are. Then I choose the option that alignes with my purpose and life the most.
Your path is creative, authentic, valuable and full of surprises and miracles.
But every choice is a mixed-bag, you’ll have both good and bad experiences:
Pain, uncertainty, being rejected, loneliness, making mistakes, the difficulty of being a beginner, questions with no answers...
But every path has its own difficulties and costs, we only have to choose.
Let love lead your soul.
Make it a place to retire to,
a kind of cave, a retreat
for the deep core of being.
Farid Al-Din Attar
Take some time tonight (or whenever you have time) and think more deeply about your life and decisions.
"What decisions have led you here?"
"Will you choose your own path from now on or will you continue living blindly in distraction?"
If there is something that:
1. Is a deep problem or pain for some people in their daily lives
2. Wastes a lot of time and energy
***3. You can't stop thinking about it;
Follow it, start with the first spark in your heart.
It can be writing a post, searching for information, reading a book, short walk in nature, talking to someone, … anything that you feel deep down: « this is what I gotta do now. »
Be patient and accept ambiguity.
Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Steve Jobs
In future posts, we’ll discuss how to build habits and systems to design your life the way you want, the way that empowers you to build something you love. I’m still learning and applying these principles and practices in my life, so it won’t be a complete guide. Just what I learn and use. Hope it helps and inspires you as well.
For finding out how ambiguity can be the start of living authentically, read this:
Quran, 90:4
Love it.
"...Embrace the pain of change.... "